D.'You are old, Father William', the young man said,'And your hair has become
very white;And yet you incessantly stand on your head --Do you think, at your
age, it is right?'Lewis Carroll (1865)My grandmother was the original matriarch.
When she barked "frog," the only acceptable response was "how high?" She was
hard to deal with in her last days, surprising no one. Not being the brightest
penny in the family bag, I reacted emotionally to her complaints, judgments, and
demands. Rather than leave immediately, I stood my ground, trying to defend my
relatives and myself from her relentless attacks. As a result, we were not
speaking when she died. Had I understood what I was facing, had I tried to put
myself in her shoes, our story could have had a better ending. In hopes that
your story will have a more satisfying ending, I offer a few of the tricks for
dealing with difficult elders I've learned since then.1) Make a plan BEFORE a
crisisThe best way to deal with difficult parents is to avoid as many problems
as possible by planning how you will handle them before they arise. Pick a time
when ALL family members can meet in person or on a conference call to discuss
what you will do when a family member needs help. Take the focus off elderly
Family members by fully including them in the planning and making certain they
have a role to play. Be sure to take notes! Share them with all family members
to verify your family agreements. In difficult situations, you might want to ask
family members to sign and return a copy of any agreement.Here are a few of the
issues you may want to address:Physical LocationHow will you help a family
member when they live in another town? Can you be an effective long-distance
caregiver, and, if so, how? If not, who will move, and when should that move
happen?RolesWho will be responsible for what?Will you share expenses equally, or
will you balance money versus time contributions?What will happen when there are
disagreements?How will you handle changes in individual circumstances?How will
you react to threats to health and safety?Differentiate preferences and
requirements. If it's more than a preference that family members not live
together, get it out on the table before a crisis erupts.Document PlanningWhere
will you store important documents such asWills,Power of attorney,Insurance
policies, and Deeds of trust.Who will have access to these documents? And under
what circumstances?2) Stretch your patience muscleRemember your excitement when
you crossed the threshold of adulthood? When you first got a driver's license?
When you got your first job? When you found your first apartment and could
decorate it all on your own? Then think about how you would feel if you had to
give up adult privileges, one by one. What you're feeling now may closely
approximate the feelings of your difficult parent. But your elder's feelings
cannot be imagined away.Your difficult parent may fearBecoming invisible; Seeing
themselves as useless or stupid; Losing their friends; Losing physical
abilities; Becoming dependent. By imagining yourself in their place, you may
react more sympathetically and suitably. 3) Forget "Parenting Your Parent"One of
the least helpful ideas in our current culture is the notion that as your
parents age, you become their parent. Stuff and Nonsense! You are NOT your
parent's parent, nor will you ever be. Your role may be friend, confidant,
caregiver, and supporter, but when you take the role of parent, you diminish
your elder by reducing them to the position of child. No wonder they react
negatively. Wouldn't you?4) Use behavior modification techniquesBehavior
modification has gotten a bad rap of late, probably due to the many ways in
which its principles have been misused. However, used properly, behavior
modification techniques can remove unpleasant behaviors and return sanity to
your family.If you don't know the basics of behavior modification, here is a
site that can bring you up to speed
quickly:http://chiron.valdosta.edu/whuitt/col/behsys/behmod.htmlA few tips to
help you beginBefore you begin, you must clearly define what outcome you want to
achieve. For example, you find that you are spending an increasing amount of
time waiting for your elder to get ready for an outing. If you want your elder
to be on time, make that the specified outcome.Identify your elder's positive
reinforcers. Clearly they do not respond to your annoyance (or are you even
allowing your irritation to show?), but they do enjoy outings. Tie the outcome
to the reinforcer in a clear statement, for example, "If you are ready at 10:15,
we will go shopping."Shape the behavior you want. If your elder is habitually 30
minutes late, it is unlikely that they will suddenly be on time. So, decide in
advance to shape their behavior. For example, you may choose to wait 20 minutes.
If they are not ready, leave without them. Once that behavior has been
established, wait only 10 minutes, then only five. By using this tactic, you
will arrive at the outcome you desire with a minimum of pain. Punishment.
Punishers can work - if they are severe and immediate. However, they increase
the likelihood that you'll get results you didn't anticipate or want! Locking
someone in a room or closet is punishment. Don't go there!Extinction. Use
extinction techniques rather than punishers to get rid of unwanted behaviors.
Extinction is simple. Offer no reaction to bad behavior. Don't talk about it.
Don't react to it. Leave the room, leave the house if you must. But remove the
opportunity for reinforcement of such behaviors.Be aware that it will take time
for extinction techniques to carry out your goal. Also realize that the
frequency of the undesirable behavior may actually increase while extinction is
occurring. Be patient and resolved. You'll get there if you don't weaken.5)
Identify your own contribution to difficult parents and difficult
familiesPerhaps the most difficult (and perhaps the most useful) technique is to
identify your own contribution to the problem, and stop it!Are you taking the
course of least resistance and putting up with undesirable behavior because it's
too difficult to change it. Do you avoid conflict at all costs? Could you be
afraid to give up your position as "favorite" or "good?" Do you feel emotionally
superior when you deny your own needs to attend to those of others? Any of these
may lead to more difficulties in the future, so give them up. Decide what you
can do within reason, and do that. If you need help, ask for it. You can deal
with the problems of difficult parents and difficult families if you are
willing. copyright 2003 by Phyllis Staff, Ph.D. - Phyllis Staff is an
experimental psychologist and the CEO of The Best Is Yet.Net, an internet
company that helps seniors and caregivers find trustworthy residential care. She
is the author of How to Find Great Senior Housing: A Roadmap for Elders and
Those Who Love Them. She is also the daughter of a victim of Alzheimer's
disease. Visit the author's web site at http://www.thebestisyet.net.
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